As the disclaimer goes, the snippets of explanations I share about commonly observed human behaviour are meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and not as set-in-stone clinical, therapeutic guidelines.

The Unforseen Romantic Disconnect:

Scientifically speaking, when we start losing interest in someone the moment they show interest in us, it may be traced back to our not-so-pleasant childhood. And no, it’s not just men. It’s women too. It usually speaks of times when as a child we did not feel accepted enough or loved unconditionally enough, and as a result now, as an adult, it becomes very difficult for us to accept the fact that someone, anyone that we like, can be genuinely and selflessly interested in us. And that is a disconnect that goes on in our minds.

So, the more visible aspect of this behaviour can come across as, you know, some kind of a quest where we want to prove to ourselves whether or not we can make someone we like, like us back. And, once that is achieved, it’s like, we’ve reached this certain level in the game and that itself gives us a sense of fulfilment. So, now it’s about moving on to the next level and the next quest and the quest after that, and then another one after that and the game goes on in life.

This is not about being an evil person, mind you. It is actually about not knowing how to accept that love, that heartfelt acceptance that we crave for but have somehow been deprived of in our foundational years of life.

Selfless Acceptance:

Having said that, there’s also another caveat to it. Since here we are talking about romantic relationships, let’s stick to that. But, of course, this applies generally to any relationship for that matter.

Whenever we choose to put in efforts for the other person, we got to keep in mind that the results may not be what we imagine them to be or what we want them to be. For example, let’s say you are putting in your heart and soul efforts into someone who is struggling with this inner child conflict of, “do I even deserve this interest that the other person is showing in me”, for someone who has a hard time in believing anything good that happens to them, who keeps questioning, “maybe it’s too good to be true” and that kind of thing, then you got to have this in mind (and be very sure of this): You need to have an open mind to accept the person as they are, which may or may not fit into your imagination of who you want them to be. This is absolutely crucial.

Their response to your efforts may or may not not suit you. Either you may eventually find out that maybe this person is an unheard child and needs that love, that acceptance, that space to meet their own adult selves and show up as the more secured version of themselves. Or, you can also find out eventually that this person is not yet ready for this personal development, and the person is not yet willing to leave this cycle of accomplishing one quest after the other and is okay with going through life as a game and is not yet ready to work on himself, or herself as the case might be.

Managing Efforts and Expectations:

This is a part of the story over which you have zero control. And, practically speaking, you got to be okay with not having any control over it anyway. You cannot decide to emotionally invest into the relationship on the condition that this person will fit your imagination and show up in the way you want them to show up in return for your efforts. They are under no obligation to do that. No matter how harsh this sounds but fact is, they did not ask you to put in that effort. It’s your decision. Even if they did, it’s still your voluntary choice whether or not you will actually give them that chance. So, you got to be able to accept the person as they are, as they turn out to be over time, whether or not it fits your imagination or your preferences even.

This aspect of the relationship is beyond your control, and you got to be okay with that. You cannot invest in someone on the condition that they will meet your expectations. They are under no obligation to conform to your desires, no matter how much effort you put in. Your decision to invest in the relationship is your own choice -even if they asked for your efforts, it remains your voluntary choice to give them that chance. You must be willing to accept the person as they are, regardless of whether or not they meet your preferences. And, also, despite whatever course the relationship takes.

Finding Sense in the Uncertainty:

In a relationship, the person has every opportunity to grow with you. However, their commitment to personal development is their own independent choice. How you feel about the situation does not ever take away their freedom of choice. While their actions can influence your feelings, ultimately, your feelings are your responsibility to manage, not theirs. You can have conversations around it, of course. Nevertheless, no one else, no matter how close you are, can process your emotional state for you.

Understanding the reasons behind losing interest when someone reciprocates our feelings can help us navigate these dynamics with patience and acceptance. Accepting people as they are, and allowing them the freedom to grow at their own pace, contributes to nurturing sincere and thriving relationships.

Disclaimer: I’m a Criminologist, not a Psychologist, by profession. We do study Psychology and Behavioural Sciences, but I do not practise Psychology clinically, meaning I cannot offer counselling and therapy sessions as a Psychologist does. All I have to offer are insights into scientific explanations of human behaviour to the best of my understanding. Also note that, unless explicitly mentioned, I do not refer to abusive relationships and personality disorders that may show up in similar patterns but in (often dangerously) extreme forms.

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