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I met my younger self for coffee today

She was sitting by herself

A book in hand

And a cup of the hottest, strongest classic cappuccino

A tiny heart floating to the brim of the cup to break into a frothy smile

I sat down opposite her

And ordered a glass of the strongest, bitterest iced coffee

She glared at me in disbelief

And reminded me how I’ll only make myself sick

I told her she’s beautiful to care so much for a stranger

She looked shocked like she has never heard that before

Not as the first sentence from someone anyway

She dismissed my words with a flick of the book

But I could tell she was still listening

So I continued

I told her she’ll not always be sick

The hospital visits will end

She will not always be so frail, seen as so weak

She will remain tiny as a reminder of her struggles in the most happy-go-lucky ——

Suppossedly happy-go-lucky developmental years of life

But she will be fierce

She will forever remain a powerhouse of courage and righteousness

And her mind will know resilience and health the way her body barely has in all of her youth

I also told her she will love her body as much as she adores her mind

Every bit of it – even the parts she wishes were different — even the parts she wishes were healthier

She’ll love it all the same

She’ll cherish herself

Heart, Mind, Body and Soul

Just the way she loves another

Completely.

Honestly.

Sincerely through every phase

Like the warm glow of the morning sun and the soft shadows of dusk

Like the drizzle on a hot summer afternoon and the petrichor of the wet soil

Like the sweet whiff of dew drops and fallen flowers turning the air into a wild concoction of love and hope

Like the fuzzy warm blanket making the dark eerie chills as welcoming as the hot summer sun

She shook her head dismissing it all

And asked if she’ll ever really have a friend though

I told her she’ll have many

She looked up from the book and opened her mouth to argue

And I quickly corrected myself

I almost forgot how observant and realistic she inherently is, you know.

Well, I mean, “A few”, I said

But they will be more than many

They will be all she ever needs

They will always love her the same and never leave

Flaws and vices and weird awkwardness and all

“So, just friends who’ll never leave, right?” She asked

Carelessly picking up the book again

I smiled at her fear of even wanting to be loved!

I told her she’ll have it all.

She will know love in all its form and know each one’s place in her life

She will know not to want everything of someone

And yet to accept it all when given freely

She will know to let her guard down and not be punished for it

She will know to not be so strong and self-sufficient all the time

She will know to be careless and vulnerable and not be made to suffer for it

She will know that love can be as selfless as her friends will be

She will know what it feels like to be loved the way she loves

“Yeah. Who cares?” she muttered under her breath

I assured her that —

She’ll know the person who will always have a hundred thousand excuses to take her for granted

And yet find every reason not to

A person who’ll celebrate her – cherish her the way she values him

He will be her bestest friend wrapped in unfiltered warmth and sensuality

He will not pretend to like her endless chatter only till she says “Yes”

He will not pretend to adore her only till he wins her over

He will listen to every word she utters till eternity

He will long to listen to every complicated web of thought in her mind since forever till forever

And he will share as much of him with her – without her having to request to be let in even once

She will find every bit of solace and safety in his presence as she finds in her solitude today

They will know the love that doesn’t keep scores

They will know what it feels like to be perfectly accepted in every imperfection

They will both learn to offer and accept acceptance equally well

They will know the love that doesn’t walk away, doesn’t ghost

They’ll know the love that finds its way back to each other no matter what

Every. Single. Time.

She will no longer feel like everyone’s off-hand 2nd choice

She will know what it feels to be someone’s priority

Always. Everytime.

She will know what it feels to be chosen without ever having to ask for it

She’ll know what it feels like to be given a thousand chances every time she screws up

Just the way she has always given a hundred thousand chances to someone who’d hurt her the exact same way she told them she feels rejected

She will know that she’s not too much and always enough

She’ll know that she is too intense a person and that’s imperfectly alright

She’ll know that she’s uncool and boring and always an outlier who never belongs

Except to her people — and to him

She will know nothing’s wrong with her and never really was

She will love herself enough to never again ask to be replied to

She will value herself enough to never again ask to be valued

Not with brut arrogance but with kindness and grace

Because she will know the tempest of growing into a person who can simply love

With no strings attached.

She put down the book and scanned the label on the sugar sachet

Half-distracted from my idealistic vision

Half-disheartened to be reduced to a mere love interest even by me too

And I softly added how her love for learning will take her places

How her curiosity will transform her into a ray of human sunshine for the world

How she will know the success she aspires for

I told her she’ll have a home that knows no yelling, no violence

She’ll have a home that knows peace and acceptance exactly the way she craved for all her life.

And how she will someday have it all – the love, the family, the friends, the success, the health, the wealth, the impact and integrity – every tiny bit of it will be hers to live for

And we locked eyes for the first time

The tears in her longing for the life yet to be lived

The tears in mine glittering with joy for the life lived

And as her coffee turned cold, I told her she will grow to love cold coffee more someday

For she will no longer have to search for the lost warmth of relationships in her favourite cup of coffee every day.

She laughed the most beautiful, sunshiny laugh I have ever seen in her for ages

Only to say, “You’re just being kind to make me feel good. None of it is true.”

I laughed and said, “Only till today. From day after, and till forever, nothing else will be truer.”

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